A Riddle

I am silly, I am stupid. I have no control over my emotions. I cry over minute irritations, like a broken nail, or a mean glare. I am overly dramatic, and love bad television. I am bitchy, I am petty, I am insecure. I don't talk about anything important, and I'm usually saying something mean about someone else. I am a spendthrift and compulsive shopper. I empty my pockets to embrace meaningless things like clothes and shoes. I have too much stuff, and it's all replaceable. I take five hours to get ready in the morning. I don't earn my own money. I am mature, reasonable, and organized. I am impractical and incredibly shallow. I can cook, I clean clean, but I can't do math, and I can't be President of the United States (but I can be Secretary of State). I love chocolate. If I love sex too much with too many people, I am a whore. If I don't love it enough with one person, I am a prude or a lesbian. I have psychological issues when it comes to enjoying a good fuck, and will most likely cry when I lose my virginity. I should enjoy a threesome, but I'm unadventurous and boring when it comes to sex, and don't understand my own sexuality. I hate porn. I don't get raped, I just have regret sex. I am always fat. I am always wrong. If I'm a feminist, I'm probably a lesbian. If I'm mad at you, it's PMS. I act drunker than I am. I can ask for directions, but I can't drive. I am good at asking for help. I want to settle down now. I want marriage. I want children. I am nurturing. I don't pay on dates. I sit at the phone waiting for a call; I never dial the numbers first. I am scared of everything. I need protection. I am always afraid. I don't like to camp. I hate getting dirty. I can't make quick decisions. I wouldn't make a good soldier. I don't understand sports; if I do, I'm probably a lesbian. I whine. I cry. I bitch. I clean vigorously: myself, my home, and you. I am moody, I am evil. I am unpredictable and I fly off the handle at any given moment. And above all, I am unquestionably and absolutely fucking crazy.