Inadequacy

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http://www.thestylerookie.com/

Here's what my writing NEVER was when I was in 8th grade: good. I was super lame when I was 13. Which is why I both envy and appreciate Tavi, the 13-year-old fashion blogger. Not just because she's a well-known and reasonably respected fashion blogger/entrepreneur, but because she actually writes pretty darn well. While I'm definitely considering her age when I write this post, I'm still pretty impressed by the style and by the knowledge reflected in the blog. It's good for what it is--not just for someone who hasn't even entered high-school yet. 

And I wonder what the fuck I was doing writing painfully inane xanga posts? Damn. 

Adventures on the job

It's a pretty piece--red, and green, and blue. I barely know either of you. I've been in this park a half dozen times. You have a small little yellow bag where you hold your stuff. You crush it into the bowl. Light it. I hate lighters. I'm afraid of fire. I'm last. Two hits are enough because now I'm drowsy and my eyelids are folding. It's nice to feel grass on my upper thigh, making patterns in my skin. You two talk a lot about invention and self-employment and start up companies. I want to eat a burrito and watch Roseanne. I can feel my smile curling under my nose without my permission.

We took a long break. Time to go back to work. But first I want my burrito. Flash Taco makes good food. Let's go there. Order a torta, forget the burrito. Girl behind the counter doesn't work there. I'm tired and I feel sick. I don't like where I am. I am hot. I feel funny. I feel like sleeping. I don't want to be here and I have to go home to my bed and sleep and oh, God, I don't even want my torta but where is it, it's taking so long, and the two of your eat your steak tacos and I just want something to drink and I think I might die in Flash Taco--but, wait. No. I'm okay. It's just the bud. And my torta's up. And it looks messy and delicious. And I drink my water with vigor. And I tear into my food. I can barely remember eating it. It tasted so good, better than anything I've ever eaten in my whole life. And finally our break is really over. And it's really time to go back to work. I'm still sleepy, but sated. I can do this.

I can't do this. I'm tired and I'm rambling, and is this guy I'm talking to a cop? Am I fucked? He's nodding at me like he knows exactly what's up and oh, God, I should just stop talking and walk away right now what do I do what do I do whatdoIdo, ohGodoh--but, wait. I'm fine. And Michael, the nice guy I'm talking to, is most certainly not a cop. He's a really nice (broke) dude. He's not going to sign up. I let him go. I am relieved. But this was a bad idea. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm so sleepy and I'm still paranoid, and what the fuck? I have to go away, away from people and the sun and outside and go home and drink a bottle of water because my mouth is cottonwood and I just want to sit by myself for a while.

I talk and I talk and I talk and then I take the train back and then we pretend to work for a while and then it's 6 and I can go home and I turn in my timesheet and my boss is not there and that's good because I only got one sign-up and I'm too tired to deal with disappointment anyway. I almost fall asleep on the train home, but now I just have a headache.

And then I reflect and I realize that smoking on the job was the worst fucking idea I've ever had in my entire life.

just a lil sum'n

I know when the dew comes—
A little before 2:38 in the morning
When everyone is asleep but
The Belltone factory workers
Backs crooked over desks under
Green fluorescent light
Vampires working on the atomic bomb.

I’m sure that
There is something running
Underneath our sidewalks and lawns,
Underneath the souls of our shoes
That pushes up against the ground
And so
The sharp green blades perspire sugar
And it’s
Those beads of sweat
Perfect honey melons of water
That chill my flip-flopped feet
As I cut across the grass
A little before 2:38 in the morning.

A little before 2:38 in the morning
When everyone is still—
But the Belltone factory workers,
Who don’t bother anyone, anyway—
That’s when the grass can pause
To cool down before the sun rises
And the world begins to rush again.

Yeah, I got a few of these silly little lines in the bank. Think I'll keep posting them.

living in my monitor

I was riding the el home from work last week, listening to Jawbreaker, lazily observing everyone in the train car when my eyes happened upon an ad on the right wall. It was an advert for Blackberry, and it had a picture of a phone and the words "If you can't say it here, you probably can't say it."

That ad is the most telling representation of the way we communicate now, and I bet the creators knew that, and that's why it's so clever. Because the almost the only way we can feel comfortable truly bearing it all is behind a computer screen or through the keypad of our cell phones. Everyone says that technology cheapens communication. But maybe it makes us more sincere.

Because without it, would we really say everything we wanted to? Secrets are easier told in the dark, just as grievances are easier filed in an e-mail. Does it really mean more to say it in person just because it's harder?

But even as I type that, I don't agree. I'm only saying this half-heartedly. I would rather hear something true and real than read it. But don't knock the art of a meaningful Facebook message...

Feelin' real patriotic today folks.

I have a shitty job this summer. I canvass for Children International, "one of America's oldest charities working to combat child poverty internationally and here in the U.S.," according to my daily spiel. Basically I ask people on the street that I've never met to hand over their credit card and allow us to bill them 22 dollars a month to help a child in Central America, Asia, The U.S., and Africa go to school/to the doctor/have a better life in general. It's actually a cool program, but most people are not into committing to spending money on someone else monthly. Lame, but expected. I'm not that naive and idealistic.

Anyway, everyday I gear myself up for rejection, and I'm usually fine with getting blown off by the numerous busy businessmen and women who just "don't have time." Sometimes I'll have a halfway decent conversation with someone, and sometimes I'll run into completely crazy paranoid people who kind of just waste my time but are reasonably interesting. Once every couple days I'll get someone cool like Riana, Sydney, or Jakita who wants to sign up and be a generous person. Mostly people aren't into it. Whatever. The point is, I really don't take anyone's hesitation or refusal personally.

Today though, I really did get angry. And I stayed angry for almost the whole day, which probably killed my attitude and is the reason why I got zero sign ups and a stern talking to from my boss. I stopped one woman, who looked disinterested in what I had to say but seemed to be putting in her time. As I was going through my speech, I got to the part where I explain the problem we're trying to solve, which is child poverty and its consequences. When kids don't have any money, they don't see doctors. When they don't see doctors or have access to medicine, the common cold, or the flu, or even diarrhea can become deadly. The number of children dying from preventable diseases starts adding up. The stat I go by is 30,000 children everyday, dying of something stupid like a cold.

When I mentioned that number, the woman stopped me.
"Why do you have to say that? Why do you say that? 30,000 children dying everyday?!"
I was kind of floored. Why do I say that? So I can explain why the fuck I even have this job, and why I'm talking to you today. I said more or less that, opting out of the expletives.
"I don't understand why you have to say that," she said angrily. "That's just wrong!"

Yeah. Yeah I think it's wrong too. Who the fuck doesn't have resources to cure the flu? That's ridiculous, and it's wrong, and it's disgusting, and it's a PROBLEM.
But that's not what she was saying. She was implying that it was wrong of me to tell her that, that it was mean or cruel of me to let her know exactly what's up in the developing world while she fucking lives her life with full time access to doctors and a CVS.

It was so American that it just killed me. No one here wants to know all the bad shit that happens to people in the rest of the world while they're on their way to work, or getting a pedicure, or going to lunch. And when someone hears a statistic that makes them feel guilty or depressed, they get angry and defensive. As if I had no right telling her that conditions were terrible for little children all over the world, that they were dying every day from completely preventable diseases. As if it offended her to hear such a great number of dead kids per day, as if I were telling her this statistic for the sole reason of making her feel bad. Well guess fucking what, you should feel bad. We should all feel bad.

It made me furious. I'm not mad when someone doesn't want to sign up. But when a person blatantly refuses to hear reality that's a little too harsh for them--well, that's the reason I'm not surprised so many Americans are uninformed on basically everything that doesn't involve McDonalds and Hollywood.

Fuck this country. Really. Fuck it.

Cliché Guevara

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

So says Oscar Wilde, anyway.

Hypocritical of me to open a post on unoriginality with a quote? Well, I'm recognizing the hypocrisy...so, now it's just ironic.

Anyway, I was looking at a friend's "About Me" section on Facebook. It was a quote from a well known author. That's all it was. Which made me think back to the above Oscar Wilde observation of humanity. But then I checked mine, and realized it was a lyric to a Billy Bragg song (to be fair, I linked this blog in it. Something to be said there, at least.) So, maybe I'm just as unoriginal and uninspired as everyone else is, quoting songs and damning myself because someone else said it better than I ever could. My existence is not the summation of Chuck Palahniuk quotes and Jawbreaker lyrics. But we're all afraid of being inane, irrelevant. It's a paradox of wanting to connect with the rest of the world over a quotation, and wanting to declare our individuality as well as proving our intelligence and cultural awareness. I don't know, humans are weird. We have an obsession with setting ourselves apart that goes with a deeper need to be on a certain level with "everyone else."

This has all been said before...I'm not observing anything new. Depressing. And I just reread the Oscar Wilde quote and got sad all over again. But such is life.