My God protects me against pregnancy scares and cramps. He listens to my frantic pleas when I need a good grade on a test, and He helps me find lost things. My God will sometimes make things better when I ask him to. My God gave me beautiful people. My God accepts my confliction, and He doesn't resent me. He doesn't ask that I capitalize His title, but I do it anyway, out of a kind of amicable respect. My God doesn't always grant my wishes. Sometimes I wonder why, and curse Him. Sometimes I say I'm an atheist. Most times I denounce institutionalized religion as bunk. My God doesn't care. He likes me well enough--but doesn't love me, because I don't love Him. He is filled with an understanding of his duty, rather than the arrogance of an all powerful patriarch. He is quiet and steady, and he is not a miracle worker. My God is not your God. Your God is presumptuous and vengeful, exclusionary, omnipotent. My God is too wise for presumptions, too old and tired for vengeance, too worldly for exclusions. My God gets my letters, but sometimes he takes a while to respond to them. He's not everywhere at once, and sometimes he has errands to run.
My God lets me hurt, but not to prove a point. Because hurt is the thing that's omnipotent. And my life is my own lesson to learn.
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I purposely choose not to capitalize my god out of self-righteous choice. I used to pray, but never to a god. My god doesn't exist.
ReplyDeleteI wish I believed in a god today to have that transcendental source of hope or validation. I usually rely on myself or other tangible beings for that, though.
More and more I feel like everything I do is inconsequential. Ultimately, it is inconsequential. Oh, how I sound just like the product of a teenage existential crisis. Sadly, that's what I am.
My god is other people, and I think I rely too much on him. Them? Who knows. I care too much about other people, and care too much about if they care for me. Most of the time, though, I think I care just enough.
well, i can see your comment now, so that's sweet!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't brought up in a religion-friendly household, and then paradoxically went to Catholic school from pre-school til 4th grade. So I've really been told a myriad of contradicting ideas about how to handle religion and God. Thus, this is a collection of what I wanted this "Being" that other people revere to mean to ME...based on my life. I've always considered myself agnostic, which is kind of pussy, but I don't feel I can presume to know anything about shit.
So if I did believe wholeheartedly in a God, I guess I'd want him to be like this.