vagina monologue

Between the Jezebel articles about advertisements for douches, and the Michigan House of Representatives unwillingness to accept the correct word for the female anatomy, vaginas have been getting a lot of hate for no reason. Today, Twitter informed me that June 22nd 2012 also doubls as No Panty Day. (Can there be a singular panty? These are the questions that define us). #NoPantyDay was trending on Twitter, and because I hate myself, I decided to check it out. What I got was a lot of slut shaming (yuck, put on underwear you bunch of whores!) and inaccurate and harmful assessments of vaginal appearance and odor ("It's going to smell like hot flounder today"). Men and women alike seemed deeply offended by the body part that over half the world's population possesses, as well as the only one with the power to push out your fucking evil spawn. Vaginas actually rule, but because of structural sexism and partiarchy and blahblahblah, women are made to feel like shit for having one, and are told to disguise it—usually as a weird bald thing that smells like marigolds. 

Well I'm over it. I'd like to dispel some misconceptions and respond to all the lame ass shit that typically comes from men and is perpetrated by women. Straight men (and gay men, whatever, you guys should be informed too), these are a few common views that are awful and that you should avoid always:

Vaginas smell like fish! Yuck, gross!

God, this one is still around? Listen, I never even knew where that came from because for 19 years of my short life, I had never had personal experience with this age-old misconception. Until I got bacterial vaginosis, the common and uncomfortable vaginal infection of which one of the side effects is a fishy odor. BV, like other bacterial infections, is usually caused by an outside, unclean factor, such as fingers, toys, or, oh, I don't know, A PENIS, throwing off its pH. 

So it's very likely that YOU gave me BV, assclown. You're responsible for the hot flounder smell! This is bullshit! Vaginas are not inherently dirty. They're a fucking self cleaning machine. Do you know what that means? It means they clean themselves. THEY CLEAN. THEMSELVES. That shit is fabulous. Not to demonize other genitalia, but I'm pretty sure that my vagina is way cleaner than your dick and balls, nestled in the armpit of your sweat stained boxer-briefs that you haven't changed in three days. It's not my fault that I'm built in a way that traps your bullshit sweaty junk bacteria and then manifests it uncomfortably. My vagina is basically just taking one for the team, so don't try to fucking tell me that I've got an inherent fishy smell about me cause I'm not hearing it. SELF CLEANING MACHINE!

Douching is the way to go because your vagina is super gross!

Ladies, this advice is more for you since there are all sorts of other ladies telling you to be "fresh." Your vagina is swiffering itself and it doesn't need any fucking magnolia scented chemicals to throw off its pH and give you, hey, what is it, oh right BACTERIAL VAGINOSIS (*douching has been proven by the CDC as a cause of BV). Douching is a crime against vaginal health, y'all. Stop putting unnatural shit up there, lay off the thong underwear, make sure anything going inside you is reasonably clean, and drink water. And stop believing men who tell you that vaginas are smelly. Do they have one? Do they know anything about anatomy? Since when did they become the reliable expert on what is normal and what is not for female sex organs? Bullshit. 

"VAGINAS ARE HORRIBLE AND GROSS YUCK I WILL NEVER PUT MY FACE NEAR IT IF I CAN HELP IT"

See, a lot straight guys living proof of this weirdo Puritannical and patriarchal society we live in. I know this because I've heard from dudes that vaginas smell bad, and from girls who've heard it from dudes that vaginas smell bad and are now convinced that this is true. I have a straight female friend who once told me she has a paralyzing fear of receiving oral sex because she's afraid the guy going down on her won't like the smell. Upon hearing this, I told her that guys didn't really hate the smell and that that was bullshit made up by the Summers Eve folks to get you to buy their bullshit. Apparently, I've just been hanging out with more enlightened guys. She told me she knew that they did, because her ex boyfriends friends used to complain about their girlfriends' odor. First of all, what kind of dudes night out is this? Do I sit around with my girlfriends talking about my the way my boyfriend's penis smells? Um, not really, because that would be fucking weird and never relevant to any conversation ever. But still, she swore it was true and that it was the reason she was so insecure. 

Jesus fucking Christ. I have to wear deodorant, shave my underarms, wear perfume, wash my hair five times a week, and make sure that my feet never smell weird. Is nothing sacred anymore? Now I have to monitor the way my vagina naturally smells? This is bullshit. Dudes, if your girl's vag really does smell like an ocean creature let a bitch know that she might wanna go to the doctor cause chances are your smelly foreskin gave her a bacterial infection. Otherwise, if it doesn't exactly smell like a garden of roses down there— well, you heard it here first, but girls are actually human beings and not femme bots with a bouquet between their legs. Guess what guys? Y'all hardly EVER smell good, but are we assholes about it? No. And if you're really so offended by my sweat that you won't eat me out, then find something else to fuck.

Periods are awful! I'm not trying to deal with that! Yuck!

You know what, I have hardly anything to say about this, except that you should read this brilliant piece by Gloria Steinem called "If Men Could Menstruate" [http://www.haverford.edu/psych/ddavis/p109g/steinem.menstruate.html].

So, it's scary when blood comes out of my vagina? Well, you know what comes out of your penis? Millions of potential babies. That's some fucking disturbing shit. Ain't nobody got time for that. Pregnancy scares are way worse than a surprise period. Also, your jizz is sticky and annoying, and if it gets in my hair my day is literally ruined. The uteran lining that comes out of my body is completely clean and, if you happen to get it on yourself, won't make you feel like you stuck your dick in tree sap. If you're really threatened by a monthly period, then you should pretty much just go fuck yourself, since no one else will. I mean, come on. 

Your vagina looks weird GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!

A new awesome way to put women down is to comment on and mandate the way their vagina looks. And, of course since no one sees it besides your sexual partners and yourself, this is obviously really really important to the rest of the world. Labiaplasty, Brazilian waxes, vaginal tightening creams...who is this shit really for? I can't even see my labia without a hand mirror, I'm really not trying to get a rash in the most sensitive skin area on my body, and one time I saw an advert for tightening cream that opened with "Want sex to feel like it did the first time?" Scurrrch, NO, I don't, that shit hurt like a motherfucker. Seems like this is all for guys who watch mainstream porn—which, honestly, is responsible for a shit ton of sociological decisions—and have decided that the women they are intimate with should match up. Again, if you're still wanting me to look awesome all the time, then I really don't have time or money to "fix up" a part of my body that one person besides me sees. Lay off, assholes, I really can only do so much.

The point is, women should be healthy and unashamed of their anatomy. It's bizarre to me that our society hates vaginas so much, even though we couldn't get much done without them. And, dudes, when push comes to shove, it's like, you're having sex with someone. If you detest that persons natural sexual state, then maybe you should take a step back and look at your own preferences and perceptions of the world around you a little more closely. Before you judge my anatomy, educate yourself JUST A LITTLE BIT, because God knows sex-ed focused on the female sex organs for a total of two seconds. Just be aware, be considerate, be open, and don't be a jerk who relies on gross cultural standards that have sexist roots. Be better than that. I know you're all capable.