Dammit Mark Zuckerberg

Safari. Open Safari. Okay, let’s see, I should check my e-mail, see if my professor e-mailed me back. Yeah, I guess I’ll open a Word Document too, get started on the outline for that paper. Oh well, as long as Safari’s open, I guess I’ll just go over here…yeah, just click another tab. I mean, I might as well just check my Facebook. Really quick. Oh, two new notifications? Sweet! “You have 10 new questions waiting for you in Friends Exposed.” Oh. Whatever. Hm, Lorine Marchal commented on a photo of me? I don’t know who that is, but that’s cool. Let’s just check this out then—oh. It’s one of those “Write a memory about me” things. Well fine, fuck you too then. I guess I don’t have any reason to—oh, James Hogart was tagged in NYE 2010...huh. Maybe I’ll just click through these quickly. Looks interesting. Click. Click. Click. Who’s that in the picture with him? She looks kind of familiar—I’ll just right click a tab for her profile. Kim Samson. She’s got really nice hair. I wonder if I could get my hair to look like that. Well, I’ll just look through her profile pictures really quick, see if I know any of her friends. No. No. No. Negative. Oh. Wow. Her sister’s bachelorette party? This looks like it could be—I’ll just click here and…wait, she’s underage, isn’t she? How’d she get into this bar? Oh, who is that girl? Aw, that’s a really cute baby. Is that hers? She looks kind of young to have a—oh, fuck, her boyfriend is so hot. And his profile is…not private! Ha! I’ll just peruse through here…oh, he likes Dogma? I love that movie! Photos… ”My Epic Night?” That sounds promising. Hm, boring, boring, boring—what the fuck?! Who are these people, and why are they—wait, what? It’s 4:00? No, that’s not even possible. I started working at 2:45. And how did I get to “My baby cousin Krysta’s half birthday?” WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I DON’T KNOW ANYONE IN THESE PICTURES. HOW DID I GET HERE?

Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. You can front all you want, but everyone Facebook stalks. It’s bizarre, and weird, and fucked up, and really fun in a twisted, voyeuristic way. And you know what? If somehow I found out that some arbitrary person I don’t know was looking through my photos, I wouldn’t be creeped out; I’d just appreciate the fact that I looked interesting enough to right click tab.